Don't get me wrong-I am not "unreligious"; I just simply do not put my beliefs out there, so to speak.
Yes, I follow God. I am non-denominational, but I don't believe there is one right way of praising the higher power in which you believe. Everyone has their reasoning or beliefs and I tend to not judge that about them so I leave religion out.
But, what about religion when it comes to death? Specifically a death on a baby. Especially a death of an unborn baby.
One question comes to mind: "Why?"
In the last two months, I have read two seperate stories of unborn loss from two of my fellow fitness bloggers-one had an ectopic pregnancy, and the other was into her second trimester-and it hit me hard.. The pain they feel, their loss, and the fact that this can happen to anyone-regarless of if you are healthy or not.
It got me questioning: "Why on Earth or in Heaven would God allow this to happen?"
I thought back to when my husband and I were first trying to conceive. It took us about a month. I remembered taking like 5 or 6 pregnancy tests and getting excited about the faint, but definitely there, positive lines.
I went in to get my official blood test to confirm. I waited for my results.
The blood test came back as "Equivocal."
"What the hell does that mean?"
My husband and I looked up the definition to this strange and unfamiliar term:
-open to more than one interpretation; ambiguous.-uncertain or questionable in nature.
"Okayyyy." So my test was neither positive nor negative. This was highly frustrating. Was I or wasn't I pregnant? They ordered me to come back and re-test in 48 hours.
So, I went home and bought a couple of more tests to take. Slowly, over the next two days, that faint positive line got lighter and lighter. I went in for my blood test, waited patiently for an hour with my husband, and then we finally got our news:
My husband and I cried and cried. We didn't understand. Something was there. But apparently, not anymore? I remember my next period being extra painful and heavier than the norm. I realized at that time what was going on-I had a miscarriage, very early on.
Some wouldn't even give it a second thought and some don't even know that early on. But we tried and wanted that baby so we tested everyday. We gave our hopes up.
I can only imagine what it must feel like for pregnancies that have gone on further, accompanied with picking out names, finding out the gender, feeling the baby move, and so forth. Thinking of that makes me tear up a bit as I type this highly personal blog post.
The next month, we found out we were pregnant with Grey and we cried the happiest tears of our lives. We have conceived our "Rainbow baby."
A Rainbow Baby is a baby born following a miscarriage or stillbirth. They are called by such name to symbolize the fact that a big, beautiful rainbow usually follows a storm.
The storm (pregnancy loss) happened and had moved on-there's nothing we can do to change it. There still might be some stormy clouds overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something beautiful has emerged from the storm-the rainbow (new baby's birth).
I am not sure why God takes them, but maybe there is a higher purpose for them-one we cannot see or understand, but I do believe one thing is certain-we will have our time to meet these angels, someday.
My heart goes to each and every mama and papa that has ever lost a baby. No matter if it was a miscarriage, stillbirth, or an acciddent or illness occuring after birth. I just simply cannot imagine and I will continue to pray for you all.