Monday, May 25, 2015

5 Traits of a Toxic Friend

Toxic relationships happen all the time. It can be a relationship, friendship, a marriage, or even family. These toxic people can negatively impact our lives, some can even hurt us down to the core. This is why it is super important to choose wisely whom we give our time to. 

If we find ourselves in a toxic relationship or friendship, it is time to break up and to cut ties.

For example, recently, my ex-husband's on & off "girlfriend" contacted me out of the blue on Facebook because she wanted to hear my story about our time together and why we divorced. I told her and she agreed that he had treated her terribly as well and that his family was crazy, etc. She said how she was "so happy" to be away from them. As time went on, I realized she and I had quite a few things in common and we became friends.

Then, as time went on, she started only contacting me when she wanted to talk about herself. There wasn't really a "Hey, how are YOU doing?" in there anywhere. And when she would contact me, it was so negative and only talking about the things she hated. And eventually, she got back in contact with my ex-husband and his family because she was "lonely" aka weak. So what did I do? I kicked her out. Cut her off. Nada-zip-zilch-bye bye.

I admit, I was a little unearthed. I let this chick into my home and introduced her to my son and husband and let her around my son. I trusted her and I thought she was sincere, but it turned out to be a lie. I figured from all the shit she told me about how badly she was treated, she might have learned something. Not apparently. My marriage to my ex-husband was the exact same way. She really reminded me of him, so maybe they should be together. After all, misery loves company, why not be miserable together? 

But. Instead of letting the anger consume me, I used this as a very important learning tool in what to look for in a good friend... and what to avoid in a bad friend.

Many of us choose to stay in relationships and friendships that are terrible for us for a variety of reasons such as we are:

  • comfortable
  • lonely
  • lacking self respect or self love
  • easily manipulated
  • naive
  • a people pleaser
  • and so on...
But what you must realize is that nobody deserve that kind of treatment and I mean nobody. If you allow them to, people will use and abuse you. Been there, had that happen. 

So, here are 5 traits of a toxic friend, dating partner, spouse, and family member:

  1. Selfish: This is a biggie. Do they always call you or text you to talk about themselves? Are they always self centered? Do they really care how YOU feel? Also, are they unavailable when you need them, but expect you to be there for them? If so, then you have a very selfish friend. Friendships and relationships are about giving to each other and helping one another. Not seeing how much you can take or suck out of someone.
  2. Negative: Sometimes, it seems like a negative nancy has nothing good to say. They complain a lot and the bads always seem to outweigh the goods. On the other hand, when things are going well, things are never good enough. 
  3. Bad Influence: Toxic friends, spouses, and family can be a bad influence on how you live your life and the way you think and view your own life. If you are constantly around selfish, negative, inconsiderate, and unsupportive people, then guess what? You will become selfish, negative, inconsiderate, and unsupportive to those around you. Will Smith once said, "Look at your 5 closest friends. Those 5 friends are who YOU are. If you do not like who you are, then you know what you must do." You are whom you associate with. Choose wisely.
  4. Inconsiderate: A toxic friend does not consider your feelings or desires because their feelings and desires come first (see selfish). They are the kinds who don't really take much into consideration. Such as going behind your back and telling someone whom they know you are not friends with something about you. I honestly call this carelessness. Obviously, they don't give a shit.
  5. Unsupportive: Lastly, the toxic friend is unsupportive. They expect YOU to support them, but when it comes to something you are going through or need help with, they disappear faster than a snowman in the month of July. (Again, see selfish)
As you can see, these are the top 5 main traits of a toxic friend, dating partner, spouse, or even a family member. I want you to know that you do NOT have to put up with this garbage-I don't care who they are. Stand up for yourself and if you find yourself in this situation then get out as fast as you can. There are wonderful people out there who deserve your time and attention, but someone with these traits are not one of them.

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