Saturday, May 30, 2015

When I Lost Weight, I Lost My Sanity

When I lost weight, I lost my sanity.

I know what you are thinking.


Back in 2010, I lost almost 45lbs in 9 months. Most of you already know that. I was unhappy with how I looked and how I felt, and I strived to improve my body image. 

I wasn't always that way, though. I was athletic for most of my life, but eventually I quit sports and got a part time job while in high school. When I started nursing school, my eating habits became even worse. I did not go to a gym, I did not workout, and I did not eat clean. I was hooked on Burger King cheeseburgers, soda, and Chik-fil-a. Most the weight that I gained was in my face, butt, hips, thighs, and arms.

Eventually, I knew I was setting myself up for a lifetime of failure and heading down a road of continued weight gain and chronic diseases so I decided to make a change. I threw out all of my junk food and began actually cooking for myself-something that I had never done in my whole entire life! I stayed away from most carbs, simple sugars, fried foods, and fast foods and began calorie counting. I also began walking daily for extended periods of time (thank you, nursing career!). I barely sat down!

The weight finally began to shift after a couple of months. It was really amazing to be able to experience my body changing in ways that I never thought possible. With every ten pounds lost, I decided to reward myself. I remember I went jean shopping one time and got a belly piericing to celebrate another. It made me feel really good!

As time went on and I kept losing the pounds, I began noticing a change within myself. Sure, I got happier.. but as time went on, I actually became more fickle about every little thing I put into my mouth. I spent more time reading labels at grocery stores than actually shopping. I debated on everything to eat. I remember that year, my co-workers at the clinic I worked at threw me a birthday party and I was so hesitant to eat the birthday cake they had gotten me because I didn't want to "ruin" my body. Eventually, my weight got to 105 lbs, which was the limit based on my height, but I wanted lower. I was obsessed with seeing that number go down. 

One day, I woke up and had a huge realization: I was obsessed. I was losing my sanity. All because I was taking this "healthy" thing too far. Guys, it IS possible to take "healthy" too far, I promise. 

I got so skinny that when I look at the photos below, sometimes I cannot even believe that this was me!

The guy whom I was married to at the time was a terrible influence on me and kept telling me that I actually looked better as a thinner person. But now when I see it, I know that I didn't. Being thin does NOT make you beautiful. These days, being strong is the best feeling that I could ever have.

When it starts interfering with your life and your happiness, it is time to reconsider things. I decided I did not want to live my whole life calorie counting and not eating certain things so I decided to take my sanity back by practicing moderation. It paid off! I did gain some weight back naturally (I am 120lbs on a regular day), but it's now lean muscle and I love eating a good cheeseburger and having a beer once a week. I don't stress things anymore!

My point? Don't take it out of proportion. It is great to take necessary strides to becoming the best and healthiest version of yourself, but remember that too much of a good thing can still be just as bad. Don't get so caught up in the high that you forget what you are doing.

Oh, and my current husband loves me with a little more curves. Real men won't make you lose yourself to make themselves happier with you. :)

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