An Open Letter to My Son

Do you write letters to your baby?

The question may seem silly at first. After all, babies cannot read. 

But, when they get older, letters or memories from you can be something to treasure.

Greyson is turning one in less than 2 months. Lately, I have been having a little bit of a difficult time dealing with the fact that my little boy is turning one year old. I mean, where did the time go? I cried today about it. I feel as if I have not spent enough time with him in the last year due to working from home amongst trying to spend time with my husband and find a little bit of "me" time in the whirlwind. 

For those of you who have been following me since my son was born-you already know this. Part of my postpartum depression & anxiety dealt with the idea that my son was growing old and would no longer need me. I am sure this is a common thing that new mommies go through, but it truly affected me to the point where I had to see a doctor. I would literally cry and cry on a daily basis and couldn't bring myself to being happy. I didn't want to miss one moment and I would get mad at myself for being so sleepy from sleepless nights as a new mom that I just could not get over it. 

It is a lot better these days and I take it one day at a time. I try to spend every second of my son's life making a difference for him and showing him that I care. Motherhood isn't easy, but it is so rewarding.

As my son napped today, I went in and layed down beside him. I snuggled up to him, smelled his fresh blonde hair, kissed his rosy red cheeks, and whispered into his tiny little ears how much I loved him as tears formed in my eyes. Not sad tears, happy and hopefuly tears.

Then, I got up to go type this letter to my son. Because I had to get this off of my chest.

"Dear son, 

It has been almost one year since you came into my life and made me a mother for the very first time. It's hard to believe how fast time flies by. I did not realize that it would be this fast. I tried to hang onto each and every sleepy, tired, happy, frustrated, fun moment, but somehow, I feel it wasn't enough. I don't think it ever will be, but from what I am learning, this is how all mommies feel.

It has been one amazing year and I couldn't picture my life without you. Actually, I don't know what I would do without you. You are forever imprinted on my heart and with each day that passes I can't help but to love you more and more. You are my little boy, and will always be-no matter what birthday you have.

I hope for your future. I pray that I will be able to set a good example for you and to bring you nothing but happiness and love during your childhood. I want you to grow up and become not only successful, but a happy man who will create a happy family. 

The thought of you making some of the choices that I did throughout my short life breaks my heart and I hope you will never go down some of the roads I have. Someday you will be forced with tough decisions. Someday, you will have your heart broken. Someday, you may get into trouble that you do not know how to get yourself out of. But, I will always be here for you, son.

I am your mommy now and always will be, but there will come a day when you no longer need me and you will spread your wings and fly on your own.

Thinking of this day brings tears to my eyes because that no longer means holding you at night as you sleep, or cuddling you when you cry to wipe your tears away. This means that I can no longer take you to the park to play or random food fights in the kitchen. 

Little tasks such as changing your diaper or feeding you at night that might seem exhausting now, I will miss this. Because this means that you still need me. And I still need you. 

Someday, you will get married and create a family of your own. You will be the head of your household and make all of the important decisions that your family needs. I pray that I can raise you with discipline, wisdom, and love to become the best man, husband, and father that you can be.

But, as for now, you are still my little boy. My baby. You will always be my baby.

I love you, Greyson.

Mommy."

When Greyson was born, my husband and I set up an email account so that we could write Greyson emails whenever we had the time. We plan to give Greyson the password someday and let him go through and read all of our messages. I know he will love it!