Friday, May 30, 2014

50 Ways to Avoid Getting Fat

It seems these days that everyone's biggest fear is getting fat.
Well, here are 50 ways to get skinny fast and avoid THAT problem!
  1. Stop eating carbs.
  2. Stop eating proteins.
  3. Stop eating sugar.
  4. Actually, just stop eating period because eating could possibly lead to the risk of weight gain.
  5. Don't get pregnant. Ever.
  6. Get a 6 pack airbrushed on. 
  7. Or just place your belly against a wire fence like this. It works every time.b2f4d41467113a813c75c48873b9e7f6
  8. As you age, your metabolism slows so stop growing old.
  9. Don't wear white clothing. You run the risk of looking like a marshmellow if you do.
  10. They say black is slimming, get a spray tan dark enough to appear as a shadow. Shadows are very slimming indeed.
  11. They say menopause causes weight gain so never go through menopause.
  12. Make sure you eat enough.
  13. But not too much.
  14. Don't ever get depressed. Depression causes weight gain. So be happy all of the time!
  15. Make sure your thyroid works. Hypothyroidism leads to weight gain.
  16. Wear bigger clothes.
  17. Try the cabbage soup diet.
  18. Or the baby food diet.
  19. Hormones cause weight fluctuations. Do not have hormones!
  20. Wear a corset from birth on and never take it off, but only to shower.
  21. Or just stop growing. Dwarfs are cute.                                                                            b2f4d41467113a813c75c48873b9e7f6
  22. Genetics causes weight gain so avoid being born by parents with a family history of obesity.
  23. Go to the gym often.
  24. But don't go too much. If you get too muscular, you might run the risk of looking bulky which could make you appear bigger.
  25. Never sit. Sitting causes weight gain! So stand up at all times.
  26. Don't own a couch. Couches cause obesity. 
  27. Eating while standing will burn lots of calories!
  28. Only hang out with fat people. By doing this, you will appear skinnier than the rest so don't have friends who are skinnier than you.
  29. Photoshop all of your selfies. Even your Instagrams.
  30. Just avoid posting photos from the chest down or learn how to master the art of cropping like this: blogger-image-1594588468
  31. Actually, just do not post any photos at all. Your absence will make your appear skinny.
  32. Real women have curves, so don't be a real woman.
  33. Drink lots of water. Water tricks your brain into thinking its full. Then, who needs food, right?
  34. A recent study shows that sleeping with the light on causes obesity. Destroy all the light bulbs in your house at once. As a bonus, you will even save money on your next electric bill.
  35. Get surgery. Surgery cures everything. Duh.
  36. Diet pills? Hello? It's like magic in a tiny little pill. 
  37. Don't take medications. Some drugs have a side effect of gain weight.
  38. Instead, hire a Shaman or Indian Medicine Man to cure your ailments.                             blogger-image-1594588468
  39. Don't celebrate holidays. Studies show that we tend to overeat during a special occasion.
  40. Sleep more. Lack of sleep increases stress which increases risk weight gain.
  41. But don't sleep too much. You risk becoming too inactive, which leads to weight gain.
  42. And never get stressed out. Stay calm. 
  43. But not too calm. If you are too calm, you are not burning enough calories to stay skinny.
  44. Weed can help you decrease your stress.
  45. But not too much weed because then you will get hungry and we all know what happens if you get hungry.
  46. Don't get hungry. Ever.
  47. Avoid working at food joints. Being around food just won't work.
  48. With that being said, don't own a refrigerator. 
  49. Never get married. Marriage causes weight gain they say. Or just blame your spouse.
  50. Don't go to college. By doing this, you will never have to worry about the "Freshman 15."

Hope you all have enjoyed the sarcasm and asshole-ish tones within these tips. Please consult with your doctor before attempting any of these.

*For those without a sense of humor, I must point out that this article is intended for entertainment purposes only. Do not try these at home*

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