Friday, April 11, 2014

When Skies Are Grey

I posted a status on my Facebook page earlier about postpartum depression which has prompted me to elaborate a bit here on the blog.

I've suffered from depression & anxiety since I was a teen. There were times when, quite frankly, I just did not desire to live. I was angry at God for giving me this life. Something in me told me to keep going, and so I did. But just because I kept going does not mean it has been easy.

I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January of 2012. I was put on a medication called Celexa and it worked wonders! Truly. I realized that in order to be happy, I had to rid my life of those purely toxic people. So I did. I met my current and very loving husband, we married after 6 months, and then 6 months later, we tried for and successfully conceived our beautiful baby boy.

Before getting pregnant, I got off of the Celexa because I did not want to risk any side effects on my baby. It went very well-pregnancy went perfectly. Sure, I had some moodiness from time to time but that was just those pregnancy hormones. I wanted to make sure my body was 100% in great shape to conceive-mentally and physically.

The day we came home with our son, I remember just crying and crying. The crying went on intermittently for weeks. Don't get me wrong-I was happy. However, I couldn't get over these silly thoughts of how my baby was growing up so fast and feeling like I was missing out on moments with him.

I figured the crying spells were just baby blues and figured I would be fine in a few weeks. A lot of times, after pregnancy, it leaves a woman's hormones pretty wacked up!
Nope. Didn't happen.

I eventually went on to feel empty on a daily basis after giving birth. I could barely smile! I looked at my precious baby boy and my loving husband and thought "I am so blessed- why in the world do I feel this way?" I didn't feel like dressing up or going out anywhere. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I ignored phone calls and text messages. I had all of these accomplishments with my blogging work and I could not even be happy for myself. I was literally going through the motions. I was given the okay to workout at 6 weeks but I didn't even begin until the 8th week because I simply felt like doing nothing. Isn't that a terrible way to live? I also had been having these little fits where I would get mad at the littlest things. And don't even get me started on how stressed out I have been! I then realized something was definitely wrong with my hormones. The problem was not just going to disappear on its own.

I decided today to call my doctor to make a change. Whether it is getting back on anti-depressants, then so be it. I will do whatever it takes to be a happy and healthy momma and wife for my family. I am writing this personal blog to let you know it is OKAY to suffer from postpartum depression. You are NOT crazy for being on medication, if you need it. Do not be afraid to talk to someone. Speak up!
It was hard for me to make the call to talk to my doctor because I told myself I did not need medication and that I would be okay. But then I realized, who's hero am I really trying to be? I needed to be my own hero and pride was not going to solve my problems.

I still struggle with depression and anxiety to this moment. I know that it does not show and not many people would have guessed, but it is the honest truth. I am NOT perfect. I definitely do not try to be.

I will certainly keep you all updated on how it all goes.

Thank you for reading and for keeping up with the blog.



Update: See how I am doing today.

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